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“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Perfect
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.