Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
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My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.