Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
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[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.