Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.