And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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Next time I open up to someone is my autopsy.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Did Delilah ever tell that guy what New York City is like
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him
ELENA: He’s not!
PUTIN: (softly) u…s…
[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”