@stephaniemain2

Can’t stop laughing

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@vladchoc

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

@JohnLyonTweets

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

@Jardisliketardi

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

@elizabeth_fels

PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him

ELENA: He’s not!

PUTIN: (softly) u…s…

[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!

@ComedyAndTruth

Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”