Can’t stop laughing
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Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.