can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
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paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*