can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
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The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬