can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
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What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”