can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4