can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop watching this.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
making sure he doesnt get away
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.