Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.