can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.