Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

Order here:
More here:

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…