Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
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Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
“The Perfect Relationship”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’