can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
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Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
next level snooze
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.