Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.