can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
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flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.