can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”