Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
my retirement plan is braless
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan