can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
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me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available