Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
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This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

I bet birds love this building.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

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-Librarians arguing

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey