can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
You Might Also Like
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
This January has 47 Mondays
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude