My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.
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date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him.
Don’t tell him I have more than one pair.
My autocorrect changed epi to epic so this death is gonna be awesome.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.
And I kinda moaned when it slid in.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers