The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
jesus, what did this guy do
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.