Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

Just me?

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.