Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

I hope it’s French Onion!

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.