Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

Planet of the Apps.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

sign of the times 🖊

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?