Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
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Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
i prefer mine room temperature.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.