can’t talk my ride’s here
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How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
orange cat behavior
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I Can’t Tonight…
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow