can’t talk my ride’s here
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A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Nice try Hitler
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.