can’t talk my ride’s here
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we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress