can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
😂😂😂
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.