can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
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my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
this article brought to you by lions
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies