Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
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Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*