Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING