Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
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Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
🧠
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
