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I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed