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Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My dad is at it again
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.