Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
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Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I unironically love this joke.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.