Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.