Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
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Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?