Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
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Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Seems legit
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.