Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
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Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Oh boy, $150,000!
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.