Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.