Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
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Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.