Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
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Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
*frowns in Scottish*
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.