Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

Awesome parenting 😂

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS