Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

Brb my Sims are getting married

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.