Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.