Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
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please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
the clam before the storm
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Yeah. This was me today.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Ghost costume 😂
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.