Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
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Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?