Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.