Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
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No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing