Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Golf would be better with landmines.