Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.