Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
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I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse