Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
You Might Also Like
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
asking santa clause for nudes
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played