Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white