Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
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Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.