Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

2022: I can fix it

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?