Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Dumple

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.