Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
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On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?