Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
You Might Also Like
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
me linking you to my twitter
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.