knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
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computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.