Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I Can’t Tonight…
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Good morning
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”