Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Denise please return my vape pen
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?