Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
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Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)