Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
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I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit