Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur