Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
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My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Where is your GOD now????
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
brian had himself a morning…
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.