Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!