Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.