Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.