Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Today, a coworker was tellin’ me about her son. Last week, he got caught skippin’ school. And his punishment? A week’s suspension!🤔🤣

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

If you are reading this then you are reading this

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun