Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
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Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Still cracks me up
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
