Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
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‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke