Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

The dark side of Canada

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon