Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.