Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

mumsnet is amazing